So I haven’t been very active on the internet as of late.
And there’s a reason.
I’ve been struggling with how I should talk about this. I’ve been struggling with sharing this, wondering if I shouldn’t bother and simply keep this to myself.
But I feel like this is worth sharing. Maybe someone can learn from this or whatever.
But a month ago, I checked myself into the hospital in fear that I would take my own life. Suicide Ideation as it were.
I then spent the following 8 days in a mental health hospital. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I knew this.
You see I’ve been struggling with depression for years now. I thought it was something that I just had to deal with. I thought it was something I could just keep to myself. And last month it finally caught up to me.
I wanted to kill myself. I still struggle with the thought sometimes. Every day is a battle with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. There are days where I win. There are days where it seems I’m losing. There are days where I feel like I don’t deserve to be depressed; that I don’t have a right to. There are days where I feel alone. There are days where I feel like I have nothing.
Since being discharged from the hospital I’ve taken a lot of steps to get better. I’m taking antidepressants. I’m trying to put more positive things in my life. A lot of changes were made. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve also made a few mistakes since being out, stupid things that I shouldn’t have done.
But for a while I had a hard time deciding whether or not I should tell people about it. I shared with some close friends, and my family of course. And those who knew were more than supportive.
So here I am writing this all down, because I am not ashamed. I am broken, but I’m putting the pieces back together again. My mental health is not something I should have to hide. And as hard as it is I’m done trying to.
Right when I got out of the hospital my mother took me to get a haircut because I desperately needed one. I still had my hospital bracelet on my wrist. The stylist asked why I was in the hospital and I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth. I told her I had lung issues. I don’t know why I did that.
I think for whatever reason people are ashamed of their mental health. I know I am not alone in this. I know I am not the only one with theses struggles. But for the longest time I felt so ashamed of what I was going through that I never bothered to tell anyone. It almost cost me my life.
So I guess if there’s a point to all this it’s: I went to the hospital because I wanted to kill myself. Now I’m trying to get my life back on track. And to whoever is reading this, you might not care or wanted to know in the first place. I just was tired of lying by omission. So there you go.