So I haven’t been very active on the internet as of late.

And there’s a reason.

I’ve been struggling with how I should talk about this. I’ve been struggling with sharing this, wondering if I shouldn’t bother and simply keep this to myself. 

But I feel like this is worth sharing. Maybe someone can learn from this or whatever. 

But a month ago, I checked myself into the hospital in fear that I would take my own life. Suicide Ideation as it were. 

I then spent the following 8 days in a mental health hospital. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I knew this. 

You see I’ve been struggling with depression for years now. I thought it was something that I just had to deal with. I thought it was something I could just keep to myself. And last month it finally caught up to me. 

I wanted to kill myself. I still struggle with the thought sometimes. Every day is a battle with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. There are days where I win. There are days where it seems I’m losing. There are days where I feel like I don’t deserve to be depressed; that I don’t have a right to. There are days where I feel alone. There are days where I feel like I have nothing. 

Since being discharged from the hospital I’ve taken a lot of steps to get better. I’m taking antidepressants. I’m trying to put more positive things in my life. A lot of changes were made. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve also made a few mistakes since being out, stupid things that I shouldn’t have done. 

But for a while I had a hard time deciding whether or not I should tell people about it. I shared with some close friends, and my family of course. And those who knew were more than supportive. 

So here I am writing this all down, because I am not ashamed. I am broken, but I’m putting the pieces back together again. My mental health is not something I should have to hide. And as hard as it is I’m done trying to. 

Right when I got out of the hospital my mother took me to get a haircut because I desperately needed one. I still had my hospital bracelet on my wrist. The stylist asked why I was in the hospital and I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth. I told her I had lung issues. I don’t know why I did that. 

I think for whatever reason people are ashamed of their mental health. I know I am not alone in this. I know I am not the only one with theses struggles. But for the longest time I felt so ashamed of what I was going through that I never bothered to tell anyone. It almost cost me my life. 

So I guess if there’s a point to all this it’s: I went to the hospital because I wanted to kill myself. Now I’m trying to get my life back on track. And to whoever is reading this, you might not care or wanted to know in the first place. I just was tired of lying by omission. So there you go. 

so things are going to get pretty personal on here.

so be prepared for that, whoever happens to stumble upon this. 

Heyy Tumblr

I’ve had a pretty crazy last couple weeks. Quitting jobs, Hospital visits, and break ups were involved and sometime I’ll get into it all. 

But for now, I am alive and breathing. And that in itself feels good. 

New Chromeo. It’s fresh and makes me smile and move my body in a rhythmic fashion.

ALSO

we went to Red Robin after.

And the host recognized us. 

From our gig. Which was the first time i was recognized in public for my music.

and it was kind of awesome.

so on a whim

me and my friend hiked 10 miles.. 

I was wearing skinny jeans and converse. 

We didn’t hike on a trail. Just, up a mountain. 

and it was awesome. 

I’m listening to this and cracking my shit up. 

Mark: You know why you’re getting fatter?!
Tom: WHY?!
Mark: Because dog semen is filled with calories!
Tom: Dog semen, is the number one cause, of bad breath…. 

I’m listening to this and cracking my shit up. 

Mark: You know why you’re getting fatter?!

Tom: WHY?!

Mark: Because dog semen is filled with calories!

Tom: Dog semen, is the number one cause, of bad breath…. 

The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show.

One of my favorite live albums ever. 

Evening tumblr. I am beardless. And not happy about it. So I’m watching a lot of Parks and Rec to cope. Also. Hi. Doublely also, I am currently working on some new mixes/original music! and some shitty poetry should be coming your way soon as well. 

as you were.

Evening tumblr. I am beardless. And not happy about it. So I’m watching a lot of Parks and Rec to cope. Also. Hi. Doublely also, I am currently working on some new mixes/original music! and some shitty poetry should be coming your way soon as well. 

as you were.

:) Well then we’ll both inspire each other. I look forward to that day. 

:) Well then we’ll both inspire each other. I look forward to that day. 

A Moment of Perspective (extended)

….

……….

………………well shit. 

You think that by now I’d learn. 

That I’d somehow have a handle on it. 

That I’d master the twists and turns.

Yet here I am and the one thing that experience has done,

Is make me feel like an idiot. 

"Oh, something that happened to me in the past is happening again!

Let me go ahead and do the same stupid thing.” 

You know what, maybe now’s the time to learn.

But like really. 

Not just temporarily act upon a feeling.

Seeing each mistake, and the repeat ones that follow,

The reaction needs to be action, not to sit and wallow.

The definition of madness is doing the same thing

And expecting a different result.  

Expecting a different result.

Huh. 

So here we are Deej.

Looking back. 

It’s starting to look like it’s time to try a different plan of attack.  

Hopefully I’m ready for that. 

A moment of Perspective

…. 

………..

……………..well shit. 

Hey! So I’m in a Djing Duo. We call ourselves Joyspring Rockit. And We just made a mix. So, you go ahead and listen. 

Greetings tumblr. Today is Wednesday. Which apparently means lens flares. Yesterday I made a mix which I will be posting later today. Stay golden. 

as you were. 

Greetings tumblr. Today is Wednesday. Which apparently means lens flares. Yesterday I made a mix which I will be posting later today. Stay golden. 

as you were. 

So I (pictured right) got to DJ on the Strip with my partner in musical crime, Bobby (pictured left). and it was awesome. 

So I (pictured right) got to DJ on the Strip with my partner in musical crime, Bobby (pictured left). and it was awesome.